refresh and health

Archive for October 2010

As soon as he sat down on the chair he began to drift back to that White Day five years before. It had been at this very same chair. He had been coming here every White Day. He would sit for an hour or so and remember her and how he had loved her. He had planned to ask her to marry him on that day five years before. His mind drifted back and in his mind’s eye he could see her and his heart could feel what he had felt on that day. He had only known her for twelve months. When he was eighteen years old that He thought about how they had met. People that he studies with were group study for Friday and they had asked him to come. This was something that they only did a few times a year and he had never gone with them before. When this was pointed out to him he said that he would join them.

It was a large internet cafeteria with dance music. He sat at the no.7 table while he’s doing his assignment. That was when he first noticed her. She was sitting at a table with her sister. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and in that strange communication that is without words he knew that she knew that he was looking at her. There was about ten minutes of this thing of her noticing him noticing her while he was doing the same. It was interrupted when it took a break and his friends began to chit-chat. As soon as the music started up again he gazed directly at her and in an instant that was unlike him he stepped off of his stool and walked directly towards her table. She watched him as he walked towards her and their eyes met before words were spoken.

“Would you like to dance?” he asked. Her eyes looked away from his as she said, “I can’t”. It wasn’t the answer that he had hoped for. He muttered “Okay” and started to turn to walk away. Her hand reached out towards his, “No wait, and sit down.” He smiled and as soon as he sat down he said,
“I can’t dance either.” They sat and talked in staccato conversation at points where the music got lower. One of his friends joined him at the table and a few minutes later his friend and her sister were up and dancing.“Are you sure you don’t want to dance?” She shook her head to say no but her eyes said that she was not definite so he asked, “Are you sure, there is no harm in trying?” She grinned and said, “I really can’t but I’ll try.” As soon as she stood up he noticed the cane hanging on the back of her chair. She walked towards the dance floor without it, dragging her right leg while limping. He followed her slowly and they started to dance. The ‘dancing’ lasted about two minutes before she fell down, landing on her left knee. He helped her back to the table. When she sat down she giggled and said,
“I guess that you were wrong about it not hurting to try.”

He sat on the bench and re-played the scene in his mind. The he fast forwarded to that White Day five years before, right here at this very same table. She was from Ohio and had moved to Connecticut two years before they had met. It was a whirlwind relationship and they had both rushed off into the high that comes when two souls touch. He had rehearsed it in his head. They would take a walk in the park and then sit at a chair and he would ask her to marry him. But something had happened that was not part of the rehearsal that he had played in his head. As soon as they sat down she said that she had something to tell him. He listened. Her grandmother was sick. She was going back to Ohio for a few weeks. She would call him and it would not be long before she would see him. He decided to hold off on his question. He would ask her when she got back. They would return to this chair.

As soon as he thought this a wave of worry washed over him. It seemingly came out of nowhere. What if he were to never see her again? Instead of the rehearsal that he had played out in his mind he blurted out, “I’m afraid that I won’t see you again.” She smiled a smile that reassured him, “Don’t be afraid I’ll see you soon.” As they stood up he clasped her hand and whispered “I love you.” She looked down at her right leg, all of me?” He kissed her gently and whispered softly, “Every part of you, forever, I promise.”

She would be staying with her sister and cousin, not far from the nursing home where her grandmother was. Two days after she left he called he called the number that she had given him. Her cousin answered and took a message. She phoned him back the following day and they talked for fifteen minutes or so. He only spoke with her once after that. She didn’t return his phone calls until the late night call that he received after not hearing from her for almost two weeks. She said that she was sorry for not calling, she had been busy. They chit-chatted and she said that she would talk to him soon. He sensed that something was different during this conversation and he had been right.

Three days later he phoned her and her cousin said that she had moved. He never heard from her again. In the weeks that followed he wondered a lot. Wondered what had happened. Wondered how he had let it happen. Wondered why he had been so foolish. Wondered how she could mean so much to him that he could not see that he mattered little to her. Wondered what her answer would have been. Wondered if she realized how much she meant to him. Wondered why she did not just tell him that it was over.

Wondered why she had whispered “I love you” when the times they had engaged in a lover’s embrace. The worst part about this wondering was that there wasn’t anyone to share it with. He wished that he could unfold it all, the whole story, all of the wondering to another person. Then he could ask, what do you think happened?” But there wasn’t anyone else because he felt too foolish to talk about it with anyone. Two months after the last time that he had spoken with her he phoned her sister asking how he could reach her. Her sister’s reply was, “She’s unreachable.”

He started to sob right there on thephone. “If you see her please tell her that I still love her and can she please call me? He gave her sister his phone number even though he knew that he had given it to her the last time that he had called. It took a few months but eventually the wondering receded. It didn’t fully go away but he wondered less often. He accepted that there were things that he would not know, that there was no answer to all of the wondering and that anything would just be conjecture. He moved on. That is what survivors of soul wounds do. Some move forward, some become hardened, some hurt others, and some wall themselves off from others. He was determined to move forward but he did not forget her and knew that he never would. In this way she would always be a part of him in some small way. When souls touch they leave graffiti. One year after the last time that he had seen her he returned to the chair and thought about her and the last day that he had seen her. He sat on the chair on a day that was not unlike that White Day the year before. It was still winter but there was a hint of spring in the air and the promise of what would grow and blossom.

He felt at the cross and chain hanging around his neck. The word “Love” was engraved on the cross. She had given it to him. He contemplated taking it off and throwing it as far as he could in an act to symbolize closure. He didn’t do it because he knew that it would only be symbolic and that real closure would only come from speaking with her. He imagined what he might say if she could hear him. He reflected on this and reached down into all that he knew of his knowing her. In his mind’s eye he spoke. The words came to him in instant, utterances from his soul: There is a place I enter in.What never was what might have been? Where are you now, what do you seek?Afraid to talk? Me I still speak. I say the things I never said,In conversations inside my head. If you could hear, you’d understand,What never was, was also planned. He returned to the bench ever White Day and remembered his love for her. Something significant happened before his third White Day alone at the chair.

Two weeks before White Day he received a Sunday morning 10 a.m. phone call from her sister.
There had been complications during childbirth and she had died the night before. “You said that you loved her. I thought that you should know.” If asked if she had been married and was told that she
was not. There would be a brief memorial service and she would be cremated. He thanked her sister for calling and hung up the phone. He went to a drawer and took out the cross and chain that she had given him. He lay down, stared at the ceiling and held the cross in his hand slowly moving his index finger over the word “Love”

The lies I’ve told up to now, the truths I’ve told up to now I became worried about which outweighed which, and stopped searching The parts of myself that I hate, the parts of myself that I like Now I know which outweighs which, and it makes me sad If I was just going to be hated in the end, if I was going to be hated by the person I loved Then I decided to be the first to hate before that happened But if someday I long for someone and want them to love me Ill make the first move before that happens Let’s try to fall in love You cry so beautifully, that, by your side, without realizing it, I smiled And that made you smile too, which has made me so happy I’m crying, crying The people with no faith in humanity, who curse the future; and the people with faith in humanity, who dream of the future.

The me who used to search for yesterday is gone, gone You are a washing machine for humanity I want every household to use one With that, there’s nothing that won’t work out, there are no lies The effects are amazing, you can find a new you But it can be toxic, take care with usage and dosage Lets write a catchphrase like this Even if a perfect clone of you achieves success You are a unique goddess, unlike anything on earth That can be seen by the naked eye You made the world round So that nobody would cry in a corner, didn’t you? So when you’re not here, I look for a corner and cry and cry You gave life an end so that nobody would waste it So when youre not here I hold my breath and wait And then, though you always came to me Youre gone The people with faith in humanity who dream of the future, will become tomorrow’s suicide candidates, waiting to die The me of three minutes ago has shown his face, shown his face again.

When I stopped breathing I found my heart When I opened it, I you were there As long as I have you in the left atrium of my heart, I have no problems You brought words of eternal happiness To people who, until two seconds ago, were suicide candidates That you is gone, gone, gone But you are in my heart, sending a pulse through my whole body Saying Stay alive today, stay alive today, and stay the way you are Sending me love from my white blood cells, my red blood cells and so many other places。

My Dream is to become a teacher or a volunteer in Africa, It can be also in Cambodia.


To help and teach many things to the children,

i also wanted to build a school for them,

so that they have a chance to learn many things and have fun being a student.

I always pray for them, That’s why i wanted to work in

Unicef someday to help the children in Africa.

I will do my best to study and work to become a successful person who will help the children in Africa…

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